Confessions of a Broken Heart
by Timeless4Life
Summary: Prussia falls into a dark, depressed state of mind after Germany leaves him for Italy. He goes to give Germany hell but finds he's not as hard a man he thought he was. Is there any chance they'll get back together? Or will he ruin everything in his revenge? And what feelings, if any, does Germany harbour towards him? Rated 'M' for language, smut and psychological themes.
1. Shattered

**Prussia's POV**

I don't believe in love.

Love is a lie, a fantasy emotion that doesn't exist outside fairytales. The princess meets her prince and they live happily ever after? Don't make me laugh.

The world is a dark puddle of hatred. We try to see it in different lights, try to mask it as something different, but it'll never change. A light switches on and we read hope in the glimmer the murky water reflects. Suddenly that puddle doesn't seem so dark. But it is. My world is.

Once upon a time I didn't care about love in the slightest. Just lust. To be quite honest, I didn't really know the difference. To make love was my equivalent of those fairytale dreams. And this way I could have multiple fairytale dreams – none of that once in a lifetime rubbish. I could be wanted, needed, cared for, _loved_, however many times by however many people I wanted. Of course, the key to that life is to keep going or stop completely. Never linger. Never linger on one person for too long. Once you linger, you become attached. When you become attached, you don't move on. When you don't move on, you get your heart broken because the person you're attached too doesn't want to linger with you anymore, and as much as you try reasoning with them, looking for a way back into their arms, you don't find your way back to them. Their heart is closed to you. They don't want you back and you have to go on knowing that they don't want you. They don't love you anymore. And, hey, presto! Welcome back to that dark puddle and all your fucking hope has run out!

There is no such thing as love. Well, I keep telling myself that anyway.

Feli is asleep on the sofa, sprawled out, limbs pointed in all directions. If only I could feel as comfortable as him. To close my eyes, dream; be safe in such a vulnerable position.

I am opposite him, legs crossed, elbow poised on my knee so my face can rest on my hand. My head feels so heavy. I'm surprised my neck hasn't snapped from the growing weight of thoughts I've been carrying. Thoughts, desires... nightmares. They're all heavy things to be kept swirling round your brain twenty-four-seven. But I'm sure no one has noticed my difference. I doubt they ever would. Heh. Three days ago I couldn't even contemplate adding the pain of knowing that somebody else, a stranger to the workings of my mind, _knows _my feelings. I feel a little indifferent about that now. In fact, I really couldn't care less.

As usual Ludwig is in his office, doing paperwork or whatever the hell he does in there every morning. My armchair is a little-ways in front of his office door, a perfect position to catch him arriving and leaving without actually looking like I'm stalking him. A few minutes ago the old grandfather clock at the far end of the room chimed eleven long moans. It was only then did it dawn on me that I'd been waiting in here with sleepy pasta-face for two hours straight. I tried reading the paper, throwing balls of paper at Feli, making unnecessary trips around the room... I'm still bored as hell. But I can't risk missing Ludwig leaving his office. Especially not now I've waited, bored to sin, for him to do so.

Starting to lightly snore, Feli shifts slightly on the sofa. I turn to stare at Ludwig's door. Where the hell was he? Has he not heard of a toilet or coffee break? My clenched fists suddenly feel clammy with sweat. Curiously, I stare down at my hands. Did I just see them tremble? No. I'm being stupid again. Gritting my teeth, I turn back to the door knowing full well I would have to go in there and face my demons, and the sooner the better. I've been waiting long enough. I can do this. I just need to stop being so pathetic. I wander quietly over to his door, biting my bottom lip like some lovelorn schoolgirl and press my ear against the door, listening for movement. Nothing. It's now or never. _Don't be a fool. Just do it._ _Go give him hell!_ _Go annoy the living shit out of him and pretend like there's nothing wrong!_ Carefully, I push down on the handle and let myself inside his office.

Head resting on his crossed arms, I find him asleep at his desk. His morning paperwork piled neatly to his right, his pens lined up like little uniformed soldiers in front of a rusty typewriter. He looks so peaceful. Just like Feli. Both dreaming perfect harmonious dreams... It's not fair. Why does life have to be. So. Fucking. Unfair?

I bite my lip to calm myself down. Calm the anger or stop myself from crying – sometimes I find myself not knowing the difference anymore. Sometimes, I don't even know myself. Although, I know if I was my usual mischievous self I would've already grabbed the marker pen sitting in the pen holder and drawn Ludwig a swirly moustache and unibrow... And if I was feeling vengeful, I would've shredded all his new paperwork, stripped and duck-taped him to his chair, and sat him facing an open window. But I was feeling neither. In fact, I didn't know what I was feeling. I drop into the chair facing his desk and quietly watch his chest slowly rise and fall in a perfectly monotonous rhythm.

I could do anything – _anything –_ to him. But I don't move.

"I fucking love you, man."

My mouth went dry. _What did I just say?_

I stare at Ludwig, watching for any sudden movement that would suggest he was awake... and heard me say possibly _the_ most pathetically, stupid, mind-bogglingly gay thing in the entire world... But then again. I think I meant it. My eyes stay affixed to his blonde head before my vision turns a violent shade of red. What the fuck is fucking wrong with me? I _love _him? I've got to be freaking kidding! He's the one who told me to back off, assumed I wouldn't mind if he moved on and left me behind, the one who shacked up with Italy like some newly married couple and couldn't be bothered to hide it. Because, oh yeah, unlike the rest of the human race I _don't _have feelings. You don't think I am capable of love, or deserving of your sweet romance, do you? What? You don't think I have a fucking heart?

I find myself gripping the edge of his desk like I'm holding on for dear life. My knuckles are turning white from the pressure. I need to calm down. I really need to calm down.

"Then what is it inside my chest that feels like it's breaking?" I choke.

My vision blurs. Stupidly, it takes me a full minute to realise that I'm crying. What the hell is wrong with me? I don't think I should even care that Ludwig doesn't want me. I'm such an idiot. Heavy, salty tears continue to gather and slowly roll down my cheeks, caressing my face with their contained sadness. It dawns on me that I've never cried like this before. Never before have I felt so... sad. No, not sad. Disappointed. And whether that's at myself or the heartbreaker in front of me, I don't think I'll ever know. I wipe my hand over my cheeks, removing the tears the best I can, before I stand to leave. Despite everything, my eyes linger on his sleeping form, wondering why he didn't want me anymore. I still wanted to know. Damn it, I still cared.

"Heh." I laugh quietly to myself. "You'll never know any of this, will you, Ludwig? You'll never know what your leaving did to me."

Shaking my head, trying my best to erase my thoughts, my hopes, I leave Ludwig's office, closing his door carefully behind me with a _click._ It's stupid. I didn't accomplish anything but make myself feel worse than I already did. He'll never know my pain... He'll never know I was even there.

~Meanwhile~

The door _clicked_ lightly behind the albino.

Lifting his head slowly, Germany opened his eyes one at a time, starring after Prussia. At first his face remained completely expressionless, his mind unable to decide what he was feeling, before a strange sense of sadness spread its way through his body like a disease. A tight, cold sensation that gripped at his skin.

"What have I done...?"

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Thank you for reading! I appreciate all comments and suggestions - please, don't be shy! <em>_I better come clean about this just in case some of you reading think 'whoa, what the hell is this? Is she trying and failing to be deep and meaningful here?'. I'm under a lot of pressure at the moment and writing is a therapy for me. I am aware the first part of this is pretty, for the lack of a better word, depressing. I want to continue this into a second chapter, but I don't know if I should stop while I'm ahead. Oh, and I know my tenses are bad. Stupid me. Please, let me know. Take care x_


	2. Unsure, Unfinished

**Prussia's POV**

A steady stream of red swirled down the plug. I watch as the water flushed my cut, washing away the evidence of my psychotic moment of pure denseness. I can't believe I crushed my shot glass with my bare hands... Ordinarily I would marvel and brag at what I would call amazing, superhero-like strength – dramatising the situation to make it seem awesomely dramatic and cool, of course – but right now it just felt like yet another thing in my life that I couldn't fix or bring back.

_Thunk. _A bright green first aid box slides to sit an arm's length away from me on the countertop. There's shuffling behind me and the sound of the large cupboard creaking closed. I hadn't realised anyone had joined me, being otherwise preoccupied racking my brains to find the most offensive and vile words to describe certain people in my life. Gingerly, my eyes shift to the left to peek at my kitchen buddy, mind already filled with insults to hurl at the stupid little Italian that lived in the same stupid little house—_Oh, guess fricking who?!_

Before I could properly glance at his face, Ludwig had turned away, suddenly busying himself by picking up the numerous fallen bottles – emptied by yours truly – on the sideboard of _our _kitchen.

"You should put a bandage on that."

_Gee, thanks for the concern, you inconsiderate pig._

"Do you want me to find you some antiseptic cream?"

_Do I look incapable of finding the bathroom cabinet where it's located? I gouged a lump of skin out of my hand not suffered a brain haemorrhage, dick head._

The minute of silence that passed between us seemed like the momentum of years passing. Not once did he turn to face me. Not once did he award me with the displeasure of mentally decoding his expression and translating his words.

Fed up of waiting, I turned the tap off and leaned against the counter, arms crossed and ready to turn into his worst nightmare. I knew I had a barbed tongue and I was ready to unleash it in full force. He deserved it. He deserved everything I could throw at him.

The early afternoon sun poured in through the slits in the blinds, bathing the room in streaks of gold. Ludwig, finally finished with clearing up my mess, turned around to lean against the counter top a generous few feet away. His hair looked luminous and seemed to sparkle as he nervously shuffled forwards a few steps, his body catching a long streak of light. At that moment our eyes met and I found my anger start to melt away as he stole my entire attention with his baby blue eyes. By God, I wanted to hate him. I wanted to see his faults and use them as ammunition. But he was so beautiful.

As if sensing the direction my thoughts were taking, he looked down, breaking our glorious contact. It felt like sharp fingers were clawing at the pit of my stomach as reality once again ripped me away from my happy place. _Thank you reality, seriously._ I grit my teeth and look away from him. What is he trying to fricking pull?! What does he want from me?! He's such a lying, back-stabbing, son of a-

"Do you love me?"

It felt like I'd been punched in the gut, forcing all the air out of me. I look down to distract me from a (surprising) conversation I totally did not want to have, my eyes tracing the blood reappearing as pinpricks in my wound as I relaxed my hands from fists. Quickly, the pinpricks developed into a messy outline of a small bloody gouge in the centre of my left hand.

Jesus, did I really do this to myself? Because of _him_?!

"Apparently you love me, Prussia."

I stare at him. He can't even look at me.

"I need to... I need to know: is it true?"

What?! What do you mean 'apparently', 'is it true'?! Motherfucker! Seriously, is this actually happening?!

My tongue starts to tingle as I repress the building laughter inside me.

That fool of a country; that idiot Feliciano! He must have faked sleeping and overheard everything! A slight blush colours my cheeks. I can't believe he heard me – I was so certain he was asleep. That lying asshole, running to Ludwig and tattling on me! Dear God. I can't believe his mental age could plummet even further! I feel my blush darkening into a more violent shade of red as anger obliterates my embarrassment. I can't believe Italy, who so often annoyingly called me his 'friend', stabbed me in the fucking back!

Without realising it, laughter starts trickling from my lips. Ludwig is staring at me like I've lost it. Mind you, listening to myself, I can hear how manic I sound right now. Does it deter me? No. It only makes me laugh harder. While I continue to laugh, he continues to watch me worriedly. _Welcome to insanity, big guy!_

After a few seconds my laughter eases and I wipe the tears from eyes. Warmth grazes my cheek as I wipe my hand off my face. My wound prickling, I realise I've smeared a thin stain of blood on my face. Oh well, now at least I can look as well as act _completely _insane.

Smiling, I push past Ludwig who is still staring at me with that stupid, concerned expression. I stop and lean in close to him. "I hate you," I whisper, staring into his perfect eyes. He flinches. I like that. Pleased with myself, I continue past him- His hand grips my arm tightly, rooting me to the spot.

"You don't mean that, Gil."

I don't like him touching me. I really, really don't. I fidget and twist my arm to loosen his grip but, damn it, he grips tighter, holding me still.

"Let go," I warn him through gritted teeth.

"Hear me, Gilbert. Just listen."

"Let. Me. Go."

He realises his grip and I'm able to tear my arm away from him. Who the hell does he think he is?!

"Just go back to your moron of a boyfriend! He's probably begging for your company, wondering where you are." I casually wipe the blood from my face with my sleeve. "We wouldn't want him thinking you were being tempted by the leftovers, now would we?"

"Those things you said before- you can't pretend you didn't say them!"

Finally, some emotion. Anger and hurt. What wonderful feelings.

"Why do you even _want _to discuss this? It means nothing! I feel nothing for you!" I shout, lying.

The room seems to echo with my words. He looks conflicted, his expression a chaotic mixture of frustration and hurt. Trust him to feel like that now. _Sure, deciding between lovers is simple for you, but when it comes to kindly handling a situation things become a little more difficult? Please!_

"Do you want me to feel sorry for you, Ludwig?" I rant venomously. "Do you want me to just shrug my shoulders and say, 'Ludwig doesn't want me anymore, oh well', and just lay down for you to trample over as you run off with _dear _Feliciano? Cos' I'm afraid I can't do that, princess!"

"Gil, what on earth-"

I seethe, jabbing him in his chest as I spit each word, plain and simple: "You. Broke. My. Hea-"

Suddenly, his lips are locked with mine, forcing me to swallow my own bitterness.

After a mad second, he pulls away, eyes fixed with mine. My jaw suddenly feels like putty. I'm speechless and shaking. Gently, his warm hands find my face and clasp it tenderly. I stare at him, desperately trying to find something to say, something to argue about, something to hurt him with... But he fixes me with a look, eyes flashing with a kindness I know and love, which tells me I've already said enough and he understands. God, at least, I hope I'm right.

More hesitantly this time, his face lowers to mine as if asking for my permission. I let him tilt my face up to his. I let him place his soft lips on mine. Everything has vanished from my mind, my sole concentration being on the events uncurling second by second. His hands are removed from my face to travel slowly, carefully down my sides to wrap around my waist and pull me close. Unable to restrain myself, I kiss him back and pull my arms up and around his neck. I wanted to be as close to him as possible. To feel his warmth. His love. Just one more time.

Light as a feather, he lifts me up and atop the kitchen counter, pressing onto me. Matching his eagerness, I deepen our kisses, our lips crashing together in the chaotic rhythm of need. With his hands firmly placed on my hips, he slides me closer. I shiver with happy anticipation and clasp at his back beneath his shirt. Ludwig wants to be with me. He's _back _with me! I feel his fingers fumble on my zipper, sending another thrill through me. God, I want this, I want this so much! I finger his buttons, popping them open one by one, eager to once again taste him- Before he stops.

"Ludwig?" I whisper, staring at him. I place a hand on his face, trying desperately to catch his eyes.

In one abrupt movement, he is suddenly hugging me tightly, his blonde head resting on my shoulder. This close I could hear his thundering heart beat. A strange heavy uneasiness starts to snake its way through me as Germany pulls away, face turned away from me.

I wanted to ask him what was wrong – what had happened? But then... He turns and walks away, the echoes of his footsteps filling the silent kitchen. I just sit there, feeling as dishevelled as I looked, as he stops at the doorway with a hand readily placed on the handle.

"I-m... I'm sorry. I can't betray him," he eventually whispers. His voice seemed oddly lacklustre to his usual confident tones. It was as if he were... _ashamed_.

Another awkward minute ticked by before he finally slips from the room leaving me alone again.

Slowly, I slide myself off the countertop and rest my body against it, my energy gone, drained. Did I do something wrong? I bit my lip in an attempt to stop the tears that were swiftly building and distorting my vision from thundering down my face. What the hell was he playing at?! I stared at the closed door he had long since disappeared past. _How dare he! I'm not some toy you can just fucking throw aside once you're bored with it! That heart-breaking, ignorant, selfish twat!_

Giving in to the pure adrenaline flooding through my veins, I pick up and throw my surviving shot glass across the room in a fit of rage, watching it smash and ricochet satisfactorily into hundreds of sharp pieces around the room. As quickly as the rage had filled my body, a new feeling of dread and panic seemed to replace it. My hands were shaking as violently as my heart pounded inside my chest. Kicking through the glass shards scattered across the floor, I fled from the kitchen and sprinted to the safety of my bedroom.

H-how could he..? How could he stop just when-?!

The door slammed shut and the closest items lingering on the floor kicked away, I fell to my knees and stared out into nothing as I tried unsuccessfully to calm my breathing. As a cold white started to consume my stare-fixed eyes, I found I could no longer stomach the building, frustrated scream thrashing and clawing in the hollow of my throat...

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Thanks for readingsticking around for chapter two! Many apologies this has taken so damn long to upload *offers cookies* Inspired by recent comments/followers/PMs (thanks all of you, seriously!) I decided to find my 'ideas' document which contained chapter two AND three for this story... They were crap, basically. So I rewrote them over the past day or so - I super enjoyed writing it too! *dances* Random fact: parts of the chapter you see here were originally featured in chapter three. Anyways, as usual, I know I prone to bad tenses. Please review and I really hope you enjoy! x_


	3. Raw

**Prussia's POV**

The clock beside my bed ticks monotonously, the only sound besides my raging thoughts in the safety of my bedroom. I don't know how much time has passed but I'm guessing I've been moping about for at least an hour, becoming more and more unlike myself as time ticks by.

I stare at my reflection. What a state I'm in – sitting here, my eyes red, my feelings contorting my face into an expression I don't even recognise. I can't stop crying. It's ridiculous, really.

Thanks to a tantrum-fuelled rage, my room is now a chaotic mess. I glance over my clothes scattered in heaps across the floor, my deck of cards thrown over my bed, the shattered remains of my first shot glass. Turning back to the mirror, I try pulling myself together to face a reflection of a pitiless excuse for a man. I shouldn't- no, I _can't _be like this.

A sharp intake of breath readies me for confession, the cold air coating my tongue with a breath of a whisper... I am Gilbert Beilschmidt. I've slept with way over twenty people. Some of them twice. But I only truly loved one. _He_ doesn't want me. _He_ has someone _else_. And I'm left with _no one_. As much as I hate it, those are the facts I have to live with.

In all honesty I don't know why he left me. I've been racking my brains asking myself the same questions over and over and over, but I can't find any damn solution to any of it. He just waltzed off with Feliciano one day, leaving me behind in shadows, replacing me to enjoy the perfect, wholesome and pretty-sparkly love of someone I feel ashamed of sharing the same gender with! All I know is the day before he told me to back off a bit – which I did. Immediately. _But-I-thought-he-was-working_. Not leaving me. And when I saw him with Feliciano, did he say anything? No. Did he even tell me it was over? No. Never. Not once. Apparently you have to be blessed with a psychic link in Ludwig's world to realise you don't count anymore in the feelings department.

Not once, I would wager, did he think what he was doing would hurt me. _What?! Hurt Gilbert? Don't make me laugh! Gilbert doesn't have any feelings to hurt!_

Well, Ludwig, I'm sorry, all right? I'm sorry I'm not the person you want to be seen with, or the person you share your hopes and dreams, the person you fight for, or the person you want to wake up next too. I apologise for not being the person that's right for you...

I hate this. I hate me.

_Knock, knock._

"Fuck off."

My ears twitch at the faint sound of someone nervously switching foot to foot just outside my door. "...Prussia? Are you okay?" Oh great! It's Ludwig's boyfriend!

I don't answer the fool. Sitting deathly still, arms crossed, I wait for him to leave. Luckily Feliciano's attention span matches that of a goldfish-

_Knock, knock._ "Prussia?"

I charge towards the door and rip it open, startling the little Italian. "_What is it_?!" I snarl. I'm seriously not in the mood for his stupidity. I swear if he asks me where the cutlery is kept _again_ I'm going to rip his freaking head off!

Once, twice, his mouth opens and closes without a sound. I feel my cheeks burn slightly, becoming conscious that he's staring at the redness around my eyes. "Prussia..." He reaches out for my face. I take a step back. His hand quickly retreats back to his side. "I k-know your upset... about, um, G-Germany..." he stutters, pressing his fingers together.

I glare at him which makes him fidget on the spot uncomfortably. "So help me, if you've come here just to pity me-!"

"I know you love him!" he blurts out, staring up at me with tears tugging at the corners of his eyes. I just stare at him, a little taken aback. I never thought he had enough oomph to shout. "I heard you in the kitchen- I saw you!" His face flushes deep crimson.

Without thinking, I grab the front of his shirt, pulling him inside and slamming him against the wall.

"Oh yeah! And what exactly did you see, huh?!" I yell, shoving my face into his. Cold and clammy, his hands shake violently atop of mine, his fingers desperately trying to loosen my grip.

"P-Prussia, you're h-hurting me!"

"What did you fucking see, Feliciano?!" Gripping his chin with my right hand, I wrench his face towards mine. Dark brown irises dilated, his eyes are wide and terrified. "Are you unable to speak?" I laugh as a thought crosses my mind. "Perhaps you need some help with loosening your tongue?"

I can hear my heart pounding in my ears as I lean closer to him, my lips lingering dangerously close to his. He squeezes his eyes shut, desperate but failing to turn his face away. But my grip is iron tight. With no means to escape my lecherous designs, Feli didn't stand a ghost of a chance as my lips locked violently with his. I don't know what exactly was running through my head, but I felt solace in the familiarity of the situation and his reaction...

_Within the first day after finding out Ludwig and Feliciano were an item – most of which, yes, I admit, I spent moping about completely distraught like some stupid fictitious teen breaking up for the first time – I soon found myself on the war path. I didn't know how to deal with everything... so I did what I always do with situations that slap me in the face: I try to destroy them with my own two hands. Extreme, right? You should ask some of the other countries for details on my previous war paths._

_I found Feli alone in the living room, Ludwig having gone out. He was just sitting there doodling silly pictures of cats on Ludwig's newspaper, completely oblivious to the near-murderous aura I was emitting. Plonking myself beside him, I ignored my conscious that was trying to rationally reason with me before unleashing the animal inside me. I watched Feli for a while, just humming to himself, drawing away. I was just biding my time really, waiting for my tension to reach bursting point._

_"Do you want to draw with me, Pruss...?" he trailed off as I __gently pulled him to face me, my fingers gently brushing his chin. He looked up at me, eyes wide, accepting. Seriously, how innocent could someone look? I grinned. This was too perfect. Taking my chance, __I planted my lips firmly on his. _"_P-Prussia-?"_

_To this day I have no idea whether he was employing the just-go-with-it protection technique or he was genuine in his reactions to me, but we soon found ourselves sprawled on the sofa. I wanted to destroy what Ludwig and Feli had. Lucky for me, the Italian was more than accommodating. At that precise moment I couldn't really decide if I should extend the foreplay so that Ludwig was more likely to walk in on us, or if I went down the more satisfying route of just sleeping with his boyfriend right there and then._

"_Do you understand how easy it is to get on top of you, Feli?"_

_I wondered if this was one of the reasons Ludwig was so into him. It wasn't so much that Feli was perhaps one of the easiest lays in the history of the human race, but the fact that Ludwig would've been the dominant one in their relationship. Perhaps Ludwig wanted to be on top and I never gave him the chance? I was always the most dominant, the initiator, the one "suffering" from hypersexual desire. I wanted inside him. Apparently, he didn't want that. He didn't want _me_-_

_Every time Ludwig and I had kissed... held each other... it had all been for nothing. Hell, it could've all been a lie on his part. Maybe he had never wanted me inside him. Or even near him._

_And that was it. The tension between us evaporated. I got away from him in a heartbeat, resting my face in my hands, sitting on the edge of the sofa in the furthest right corner. Slowly, Feliciano sat up. I felt his gaze upon me. It both irritated and worried me. Taking his time, as if unsure if I was going to pounce on him again, he crossed his legs, placing his hands on his knees and beamed at me like a child seeing a playground for the first time._

"_T-thank you, Prussia," he smiled._

_I had to stop myself from turning to him with my 'what-the-fuck' expression._

_As he continued to smile at me, my brain finally reengaged and figured it out: he thought I was pointing out a flaw. I wanted to laugh, but I was still trapped by the imaginings of the two of them together. Did he seriously think I was just being a pal and helping him out? Really?! I was trying to get in his freaking pants! I was trying to get my revenge, break things apart!_

"_No problem," I found myself replying, bemused by it all. I sat back on the sofa as casually as I could. He seemed to buy it, which was all I wanted. God, what would've happened if he really knew, if he really understood what I had attempted and failed to do?_

_I ran my hands through my hair, combing it back into some sort of order. I couldn't believe it. Heh, I used to think he sometimes got lost in translation. Now I realise he's just plain stupid!_

_Once Feliciano had gone back to his doodling – albeit hesitantly, twitching every time I shifted or looked in his general direction – I hauled myself up and exited the room. I had failed in my plan. A plan I was so familiar with. A simple plan I would've really, _really_ enjoyed!_

Perhaps it had been too soon for me. I mean, I hadn't truly loved anyone before. I was still reeling.

I shook my head, bringing me back to reality. So what if I'd failed? I had the same pathetic Italian before me now. I was ready to do damage. I may not have been able to get _who_ I wanted, but I could definitely _do_ what I wanted. Especially now. The claws were out. Honestly, Feliciano had brought this on himself. He had decided to visit me while everything was still raw. He had stood outside my door within grabbing distance. And I'm a fucking slut. You wouldn't expect anything less, right?

Like last time, it was simple to get Italy going, despite the violence that had initiated it. I knew where to touch him. I knew how to make him blush and tremble with simply the tip of my tongue. This time I was going to have him. I had to. I wanted to see the horrified look on Ludwig's face when he found out.

"P-Prussia—Please-" Feli eventually managed to gasp.

I smiled to myself as I continued to graze my teeth along his neck and tug at his curl with my fingers. Trembling, he allowed himself to be pulled closer to me. I can feel his hands clenched as fists at my back, desperate not to cling on to me, his last claim to resistance as the rest of his body starts to betray him.

"I k-know you love Germany, but..." he whimpered, anxious not the groan. "B-but I l-love him too..."

I stop. My grip on his clothes tightens... then slowly releases.

Nothingness consumes my vision as I sink down to the floor. A minute ticks by and Feliciano, gradually, carefully, slumps against the wall for support before sliding down to join me. We're sitting opposite each other but looking in different directions. He doesn't do anything. He just looks down, sadly. I stare forwards, straight at him, but past him, my mind not really thinking but churning round thoughts a million times per second simultaneously. I feel so... confused. So frustrated.

"We're all f-friends in Germany's house. I don't w-want everyone upset."

If I was feeling desperate, I would take his words at face value. 'Friends'. Heh. I could only dream that's what he actually meant, what he and Ludwig actually are. But I know better. Those eyes of his... there's no lying in them. He meant it when he said he loved him. And I've seen the way Ludwig holds him. It's so aggravatingly true.

"I want us to be friends a-again, Prussia," he cried quietly. Tears are flowing freely down his face, their trails looking like grey stains on his skin in the dim light.

I can't do it. I can't do this. But there are no words, breath or energy left within me to waste on him.

"Y-you should talk to G-Germany. Don't leave th-things open, unfinished – it'll keep hurting you."

Wow. How insightful. No, truly, I'm in awe. For someone I was just about to fuck against the bedroom wall, he's surprisingly composed.

I want to tell him that it's not my idea of fun just leaving things as they are. I already know how much it freaking hurts! I want to tell him that it's not my fault, tell him I'm not deliberately pouring salt into the open wound... but I'm not sure he'll understand, as I'm not entirely sure I do. Loss I can deal with. Love and all its extras? Well, it's all still kinda new for me. I hate it. I hate it all so much!

Still trembling, Feli reaches out and lightly touches my face-

Before I fully comprehend what I'm doing, I'm shouting, I'm standing, I'm desperately trying to keep a lid on my anger... or tears – I'm not sure which. I'm pulling the Italian to his feet and shoving him from the room. I don't need Ludwig's idiot boyfriend offering me his bloody pity!

"Get out of my damn room, Feliciano! Just. Get. Out. Now!"

I suddenly realise how much I want to be alone.

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: Hey! I'm back again! Hope you enjoy this one. Twice a spanner in the works - oh, Prussia, I'm sorry! I found this chapter difficult because I was desperate for it not to be viewed as a weak chapter, especially as I intend to complete the story (yes, I know, 'complete' is not a word I'm familiar with *laughs*) within the next chapter (or two, I'm unsure as of yet). Also, sorry about the italics in the middle of this chapter - it's not really a flashback but it is a section that deviates away from what is currently happening and I didn't know how to illustrate that clearly... *sweats* I had to edit this substantially as the flashback scene threatened to make this chapter way too long. Anyway, please review and let me know what you think and how you would want this to end - super eager to hear your thoughts! Take care x<em>


	4. Victim

**Prussia's POV**

It was strange lying next to him after all this time. Heavy, overwhelming feelings engrossed me upon awakening – it felt like I was wandering blindly through a thick fog, not really sure where I was going or where I was coming from. A sad part of me wondered if this was how many of my previous partners had felt waking up next to me. Seeds of regret bubbling into bloom at the pit of their stomachs, as they lie there helpless to the memory of the night before...

I looked at him, trailing my eyes along his spine. His skin looked so smooth, so soft in the morning sun's dewy glow. Possibly the only time he ever appeared so relaxed was when he was sleeping.

Like everything in Ludwig's life, seriousness and precision were key. Even sex was regimented. But don't get me wrong, the precision element was perfect. Beyond perfect. It made everything worth it, even the begging for seconds – something I _never_ do. The seriousness, however... well, that was something quite unique to his lordship. There was an odd smile here and there but it didn't usually last long. I pride myself on knowing him better than anyone in the rest of the world, but I admit I could never always, completely know if and when he was truly happy.

Except when we had been together. Both nights I knew he was happy. Maybe not relaxed per se, but definitely happy – I stake my future on it. Just one moment, that's all it took for me to know, when he fell into my arms that first night, heavy and gasping, a half smile creeping over his face. I'm not sure when I fell in love with him but if I had to pick a moment it was probably then. That smile. His face seemed completely transformed. In the silence everything was spoken for in that smile – it was fucking irresistible.

Usually in this position I'd already be pestering my partner. It was beyond weird instead finding myself agonising over how best to remove myself from the bed without waking him.

Face half buried in the pillow, sheets tightly wrapped around his torso like a cocoon, Ludwig had left himself so open. I wanted to laugh at my own disbelief that I didn't want to spring on him. How easy it would be to just climb on board and have me some mid-morning fun... It would be typical for me to do it. Hell, that was what I was known for. But I couldn't. I didn't want to. There was no yearning in me for that.

Thinking back to all the times I'd done it before, it all seemed so easy. Whenever I wanted something, I got it every time: if I wanted a quickie and someone happened to be lying there, I was gonna take that ride, flails and protests be damned. It wasn't often that my partners protested too much or for too long. Well, I've had one flailer before. The trick with flailers is to stimulate them into submission, keep calm and then carry on your merry way. Like most things in life, persistence, I found, was the solution to getting what you wanted – besides, once you both got going it was all fine and dandy, trivialities suddenly disregarded.

Ludwig hadn't given me the chance to find out what he would've been like the morning after. Both times. The first morning a certain poxy Austrian came calling. If Roderich's thumping on the front door hadn't originally awoken me, it was certainly Ludwig furiously pulling on his clothes and tearing out of the room like a swirling dervish, red-faced and desperate. I was miffed but it was funny more than anything else. But the second morning he just wasn't there. I had turned over, reaching out for him, to find nothing. Gone. The bed his side was cold. He'd escaped my arms earlier that morning to never return to them again. For no reason. No nothing.

Considering the current situation all my tips and tricks seemed a bit redundant. Silly, even. All I found myself wanting to do was reach out and caress my hands along his back, soothe them along his muscles. But I didn't allow myself to even do that.

I forced myself to blink a few times, making sure I was awake and completely switched on... Yes. I was still here. _Really _here. Fully clothed and lying beside him, not wanting anything but to leave. _Enough is enough already! I can't stay like this!_ Slowly, carefully, I sat up and swung my legs round so that I was sitting on the edge of his bed. Relief flooded me when I noted Ludwig hadn't even twitched. God help me, I hadn't the slightest clue what to say to him if he woke up.

Outside I could hear the birds cheerfully twittering, frolicking in the morning sun. Was the house always this quiet and uneventful in the mornings?

My ears pricked. Turning, I spotted Feli posted in the hallway, a tubby brown cat held tightly in his arms. I cursed to myself. The stupid door had been slightly open all this time? Seriously?! It seemed trifling that I should be worrying about my reputation this very second in time. Least of all, worrying about what that drippy article thought of me.

"_One night," he muttered meekly to me, his voice barely above that of a whisper. "You can have tonight to finish what was started." I blinked at him, not quite sure if I had slipped dimensions or something through the madness of it all. "Just one night."_

_I was feeling tender after my tantrum – I didn't expect to be harassed the moment I emerged from my room. All I wanted was some fucking ice cream and a can of beer and instead I was being cornered by Ludwig's floozy in the doorway of the damned kitchen!_

_Feliciano just stood there, cast half in shadow, eyes fixated on the floor. I just stood there staring at him, uneasiness twisting inside me. This was madness speaking, surely? Or this wasn't real... Hey, maybe Feli had suddenly developed a sadistic sense of humour? That would be perfect. A beautiful icing to the moronic cake that was my day!_

"_What the hell are you talking about, Feli?" I replied boredly, venom pouring from my tone._

_He looked up at me. His eyes shimmered like glass. Fragile, sad. "Germany is in his room. You need to talk with him. Finish things."_

"_The fuck do you know about anyth-?"_

_Rushing forwards, he caught me off guard, grabbing at my shirt, pulling us close. "Tell him! Tell him how you feel, properly! Not by yelling or pushing him down-!" His voice caught in his throat. His hands relaxed on my shirt, brushing down... down to lightly press side by side against my chest, fingers splayed out like fans. "He... Germany has things to say to you too..."_

_Agony seemed to radiate from him. Man, I thought I looked depressed and messed up... and there was he, shaking, looking downright suicidal!_

"_Germany... he already knows... You can do whatever you want, okay?! Anything!" Feliciano continued fiercely. "Just do something to end all of this!" He motioned around him as if he were preaching to the masses, before settling his hands back to his sides as fists. I'd never seen him like this before. It scared me. It was always friendship this, friendship that, pasta, pasta! But to think he was so serious about bringing everyone together, re-establishing that peace again apparently at whatever cost-_

"_Okay, okay!" I broke in a little too harshly. He took a step back, giving me some safe distance again._

"_Then you'll go talk to him?"_

_I stared at him, silent, but my mind going nowhere. Inside, my heart was thundering. I found myself suddenly panicking – I wasn't sure why. Everything suddenly got serious, real... I wasn't... I wasn't ready for this..._

"_Prussia? You will go to him?" It sounded less like a question now. "Pr-?"_

"_Yes, Feliciano!" I snapped. I felt hotness spreading across my face. This was humiliating! "For God's Sake, I'll go see him! All right?!" Leave me alone! Please. Just. Leave. Me. Alone!_

_He flashed me a shaky smile. Fake. Totally fake._

"_Good. But, Prussia... Please, I want my boyfriend back afterwards. Promise me-"_

I gave the little Italian a nonchalant wave. Placing the cat down, he returned my greeting with a small smile. From the door he could plainly see Germany was wearing trousers and I could tell he had already noted my lack of nakedness. My cheeks flushed under his heavy gaze. It was surreal... I didn't feel like a letdown in the sex-maniac department. No, instead, I know it is hard to believe, I kinda echoed Feliciano's relief that nothing serious had happened between me and his lover.

_I stood awkwardly at his door, half daring myself to just waltz inside. I couldn't walk away now, could I?_

_Screwing up my face as if waiting for a sudden pain to strike me, I knocked once and pushed the door open... and there he was; posted at the centre of the room, a twitch of uneasiness flexing at his jaw. I could feel myself blanching when my eyes found his. Two seconds was all I could take. Tearing my eyes away I decided instead to study the floor. My voice was gone and I felt cold, my skin up my arms prickling nervously as I felt his gaze upon me, scanning me, waiting for me to do something. We stood there basking in the silence for a full minute frozen still. God help me; I'm so utterly useless!_

_In three strides he was suddenly standing a breath away, his arms pulling me towards him. It's like I couldn't think. For a second my consciousness disappeared into that strange limbo your mind carries away too when you're unsure what to do next. I was in desperate need to speak, or move, or stab and run, but I didn't even know what to think, what to feel. As if by some strange madness befalling me, I found myself snuggling deeper into his embrace to rest my head against his chest. He didn't mind. If anything he tightened his arms around me. I felt safe in his arms, my ear to his heart._

"_When you came into my office, what you said..." He cleared his throat nervously. "Gil, what you said, I can't stop thinking about how you said it. I'm... I'm sorry." My lips felt numb. I didn't speak. Softly, he pressed his lips to my forehead, as if kissing a child who'd just awoken from a nightmare. "I love you, Gilbert. I love you but I'm not _in_ love with you." My throat dried in an instant, making his words hard to swallow._

_One of his broad hands fast found my face, tilting it up towards him when I seemed reluctant to move or react. "I'm so sorry, Gilbert. If I'd known how you'd- You know that I would never hurt you intentionally. I just... didn't understand how you felt."_

_My jaw twitched, my teeth grinding together. He was a fucking idiot. And he knew it. He never gave me a chance because there were no chances to freaking give! He never loved me but decided to go along for the ride anyway! I wanted to burn right through that ice, that harsh mask he always wore. He must have felt so fucking smug to brush me off and then hop into bed with Italy!_

_Ludwig looked down, biting his lip like he always did when he was anxious. There was that ashamed look again. After an agonising minute, he brought his face closer to mine. What was he doing? My stomach suddenly felt heavy like it was lined with cement. He still looked ashamed but there was a glint in his eyes... a fire that spelled trouble. But he just stayed there, lingering inches from my face hesitantly._

"_Why did you kiss me in the kitchen?" My words clawed their way out somehow._

_He looked at me, into me, scanning the contours of my face, memorising the little details. I stared back defiantly, ignoring my common sense screaming for me to leave._

"_Why did you leave me alone the morning after?"_

_He watched me as he considered an answer... before closing the gap between us to rest his lips tenderly against mine._

_Was there really nothing left for him to say? Nothing left to explain? Coldness spread from the base of my spine, growing upwards and outwards, enveloping me in icy unease. He loved me but wasn't 'in love' with me. He wasn't 'in love' with me but here he was kissing me. Again and again._

_Smoothly his fingers brushed backwards from my cheeks to the tangle of my hair, his lips twisting round mine as he pulled me with him. I reacted to every other kiss, reluctant, puckering but not granting his tongue access. So cold – I felt so cold. Finally, he broke away to gently push me down onto his bed, the crisp white sheets crunching between my fists as I gripped whatever I could. Reality was slipping. I had wanted Ludwig... Or, at least, I thought I did. This wasn't starting to feel like something that I didn't want. Unnatural. Frightening. Oh, the times I would have happily paid for Ludwig to lead me to bed- But now I felt sick._

"_What now, Ludwig?" A new coldness fell down my face in long streaks. My lips were trembling again. He just looked at me, torn, as he pushed me lightly onto my back. "What about Feliciano?"_

_Like a sudden wave, my vision started to blur and my chest felt as if it were heaving. I wiped at my eyes with the back of a fist but, as soon as my eyes fixed on the blonde beast half-kneeling above me, they blurred again. I blinked violently, desperate to see, desperate to shake this madness off. But everything seemed so disproportionate and wavering and unstoppable. It took me a long moment to actually realise I was bawling my eyes out like a baby. I was being so uncool but I no longer cared. A part of me never wanted to stop crying, as if my tears somehow washed everything bad away. All the while Ludwig patiently waited for me to finish. When I finally relented he moved closer. Tremors of worry started morphing into tremors of fear as he came closer._

_I had a place in his heart – I understood that well enough. But the majority of it was filled with love for Feliciano. By loving me it hurt everyone... But I should want this. I want to be with Ludwig; I loved him. And I didn't give a toss about soppy Italy and his stupid feelings, right? My heart hurt. My head ached like nobody's business. This... This whole situation was impossible!_

_In one fell swoop, a nifty, practised move, it was Ludwig lying on his back with me pressed against him slightly off his right side. Once again I felt that overwhelming safety of being locked in his arms. My unease seemed to slide away, leaving me naked once again. I looked, albeit gingerly, up into his baby blue eyes, in a way of guarded questioning. That glint had disappeared. In fact, his aura had completely transformed from one of rashness and desire to one of normality that I knew and loved... I found more relief in that change than anyone will ever know. Whatever his original intentions, I think he thought better for it._

_I gulped and tore my eyes away. I was an absolute mess. And not a hot mess by any stretch._

"_You're more like Feliciano than you realise," he murmured softly._

_As if on cue, the tears creeping at the corners of my eyes started to well and fall like a continuous waterfall. Again, I buried my face into his shoulder, listening to his heart as it slowed from its craving-fuelled rampage. I grabbed at his shirt, staining patches grey with tears as I cried and cried and cried. And he just held me. Just like I had wanted him to before... Everything seemed so topsy-turvy: I was starting to see that it wasn't the sex, it was just him I had missed that morning after and every morning since._

_He placed his hand on the crown of my head. "Stay with me tonight, Gilbert. Please."_

After such yearning, after so long, I never imagined waking up next to him would leave me feeling so peculiar, so out of place. I wish I could laugh at myself but everything seemed to be dawning on me all at once. I didn't belong here next to him. That overwhelming feeling told me that. And I shouldn't be the one feeling his warm breath on my face, or the one tangled up in his hands. My blood was running cold, a trickle that should be pumping wildly in his presence. Curse that feeling. Curse everything.

_I hate the fact Feliciano is in love with Ludwig. _

I cross the room, my legs a little shaky. At the doorway, I hand the little Italian Ludwig's crumpled, tear-stained shirt.

"I kinda ruined it last night," I mumble. "Sorry."

_But what I hate even more is that Ludwig returns Feliciano's love wholeheartedly. It's too unfair._

Feli looks at me, eyes wide like saucers, producing a diminutive smile. "Are you okay, Prussia?"

Even without consulting a mirror, I know I don't look even remotely fine. My eyes were grey with tired and ringed with red before; I can only imagine after crying half the night that I must have looked like something out of a disaster film. Hell, you try looking fabulous first thing in the morning after all that! But, despite everything, I feel a strange sensation of calm which I think he can somehow sense. It's probably only temporary, this feeling. Give me ten minutes and I'm sure I'll feel like shit again.

"Sure." I start down the hallway, turning my back on him. On both of them.

_And me...? Who loves me in all this?_

I suppose I should finish things how I started them... There is such thing as love. Don't let anyone convince you otherwise. I love Ludwig. _Loved_, maybe. But even for the purest of folk or the obsessive, foul-mouthed whores out there, love is always a bitch. Before you realise it you're a victim of it, already choking on its darkness.

Hell, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I mean, I don't really understand 'love' and its hideous business. I've learnt zilch about everything except pain and rejection. Loving someone but not being 'in love' with them - how stupid is that?! And that fine line between lust and love, want and need, I'll probably not even notice when I cross it again. _If_ I cross it again.

I don't know what to do with myself. In these situations, what can you do? Do I wait around, bide my time for the perfect couple to break up and creep in, regaining my old place in Ludwig's bed? Or should I move on... find me something to take my mind off things – you know, exploring the saying 'there's plenty of fish left in the sea'? Maybe I should plant myself as an unwanted surprise in Roderich's room again, just to piss him off... or Elizabeta's? Man, there are so many places I could go, people I could visit. But I don't _want _any of them like I want Ludwig. That'll never change.

Seriously! What's a slut to do when there are too many fish to build a decision on?! A love-struck, stupid slut. _Me..._ Oh, you know what? Fuck it all! Mentally, this will probably eat me forever – it already feels like forever! But physically, I'm done with this. I hate looking like an inconsolable teen that just lost their virginity to an absolute jerk. I hate feeling like a failure, a broken heart. I'm tired but I'm one of the strongest fuckers out there. I can do this. Hell, I can do it all day and night!

Better watch your beautiful, naked bodies – Gilbert, for now, is back on the prowl!

* * *

><p><em>Author's Note: *drum roll* Finally finished the last chapter! Sorry, I know it has been absolutely ages but fingers crossed it has been worth it. Thank you all so much for the reviews and the PM's. It's weird - I knew how I was going to end this but just couldn't find the inspiration or the words to write it. Then, literally, I woke up one day two weeks ago and knew what I wanted to write. Then I kept writing and writing like a blitz! I know a lot of you wanted a fairy tail-like happy ending but I couldn't. It just didn't work for me. But it's kinda open-ended, so those of you who perhaps wanted a fluffy ending can consul themselves that maybe later on Prussia and Germany got together *sweats* Please let me know what you think! Thanks again everyone! x<em>


End file.
